Michael Bay, what hath though wrought?

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Many film geeks claim that Michael Bay is the Antichrist for his Bruckheimer-backed blockbusters such as Pearl Harbor, Armageddon, and The Rock. I actually enjoyed The Rock -- it was a fun popcorn movie, though I understand why people complain about Mr. Bay's oeuvre. His movies appeal to the lowest common denominator and none feature a shot lasting more than five seconds. Hell, he makes Tony Scott looks subtle.

Bay has even further alienated the horror contingent of the above-mentioned group with his recent excursion into horror remakes. His company Platinum Dunes has already remade The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Amityville Horror, and it was just announced they're going to tackle The Hitcher next. I'll admit I was very pleasantly surprised by the Chainsaw remake, and I do want to see Amityville. Hell, I'm a horror geek, so anytime an R-rated horror movie is released I'll try and see it on the big screen. But The Hitcher? The movie's not even twenty years old yet!

It was announced in last week's trades that Bay wanna-be, Simon West, the auteur of such pictures as Con-Air and Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, will be helming a remake of When a Stranger Calls. That's the one with Carol Kane as the babysitter getting terrorized by the killer who prank calls her from inside the house. This concept was actually lifted from 1974's Black Christmas, which featured a very surly Margot Kidder. Guess what? That one's also being remade, by the guys who brought us Final Destination (which I actually dug).

Now I know that all these remakes just prove that nobody in Hollywood has an original idea, but there have been some great ones that improved on the originals -- The Thing and The Fly come to mind. But come on studio execs, producers, and Michael Bay! Think outside the box.

Since Hollywood is so bereft of original thought and I love horror movies so much, I thought I'd add my suggestions for some possible remakes.

Amityville 3-D - This has just been released as part of MGM's new Amityville DVD Box set. (And you wonder why MGM closed shop.) It has not been seen in 3-D since its original release in 1983, so why not bring it back to the big screen with Robert Rodriguez directing? He has already proven himself a 3-D maestro with the third Spy Kids and the upcoming The Adventures of Shark Boy & Lava Girl in 3-D. And he will save whatever studio produces it tons of money, since he'll write, direct, shoot, edit, score, and do the craft services. Let's just hope he brings back Tony Roberts to reprise his role as intrepid reporter John Baxter.

Last House on the Left - There is currently a remake of Wes Craven's other 70s classic The Hills Have Eyes in the works, so why not tackle this delightful tale of rape, revenge and forced urination?

Psycho II - Since there's already been a shot-for-shot remake of the original Psycho, why not try it again with its underrated 1982 sequel? Come on Mr. Van Sant, stop with your faux-documentaries about Columbine and Kurt Cobain and revisit Norman Bates as he tries to readjust to society.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers - I know this has been remade umpteenth times -- let's go for umpteenth plus one.

It's Alive - 70s indie auteur Larry Cohen made quite the comeback with his screenplay for Phone Booth, so why not have him remake his own killer baby classic It's Alive? Rick Baker would once again handle the effects and the story should focus on a hipster couple whose offspring is not quite as innocent as they'd like it to be. Not being able to go any more indie rock shows pales in comparison to the knowledge that their baby is on a murderous rampage.

Shivers - This early David Cronenberg classic involves sexually transmitted parasites that turn their hosts into horny zombies. (I shit you not.) The parasites were hokey rod-controlled puppets, and would obviously be scarier in CGI. The actual sexual content would probably have to be decreased due to the conservative sexual mores of our country, but gratuitous violence will more than compensate.

They Live - There are already two John Carpenter remakes this year; why not make it a hat trick? This movie is just as relevant now as it was in the Reagan administration when it was released. Just imagine The Rock playing the Rowdy Roddy Piper role and delivering the classic line: "I'm here to chew bubble gum and kick some ass. And I'm all out of bubble gum!"

Phantasm - Oh, never mind. New Line Cinema is already working on this.

Suspiria - This Dario Argento classic... oh wait, this one's being remade too.

Scanners - Shit, someone beat me to the punch.

The Crazies - George Romero's obscure 70s film would be a great... oh, I should just quit while I'm ahead.