"It's not a Blackberry."

You wonder why box office receipts are down? It's because everytime I see a movie there's some goddamned interruption by stupid movie patrons. The Pacific Cinemas at the Sherman Oaks Galleria has no problem charging $8.50 for a bargain matinee or allowing parents to bring their three children 100 minutes into a screening of Domino.

Luckily that movie blew, so no big loss.

A movie that didn't blow was Hostel, and it was almost ruined by... well, you'll read in a sec.

I love horror movies.

I loved Cabin Fever, so I was eagerly anticipating Hostel. Eli Roth is like me in that he's Jewish and he's tired of lame-ass PG-13 horror movies. He grew up in the 80s, so he's used to tits and gore in such films, and he's brought them back in full force.

Now it's almost cliche to complain about people using cell phones in movie theaters, though that doesn't stop me from yelling, "Shut the fuck up!" when someone uses one. But now there is a new enemy at hand, and thy name is PDA device.

I think my first negative experience with a PDA-user was at a Beastie Boys concert at the Universal Ampitheater back in 2004. Some schmuck a few rows in front of me was constantly texting his friend. What could he possibly be writing? "Great show, they're doing 'Brass Monkey' now!" Watch the goddamn concert! I wouldn't have minded his inane actions if there wasn't a thing called peripheral vision. His constant texting was always in my sights and somehow I could not be at peace during the entire concert.

CUT TO:

Yesterday. 12:35 screening of Hostel.

The theater wasn't too crowded, it being a weekday matinee and all. I had a good seat and there were no tykes running around. It seemed to be a good audience.

Except for this asshole sitting a few rows in front of me and to the left who was texting on his device throughout the trailers. He did not appear to be a yuppie, which is the usual offender. No, he looked big. In a Hells Angels kind of way. Keep in mind it was dark, so I really couldn't tell. I just hoped he would stop when the movie started.

The Lion's Gate logo came up.

He stopped.

20-somethings smoking dope in Amsterdam.

And the bright LED blue-glow of his device began again.

Fortunately it was only for a couple minutes, but it distracted me enough that I could not fully enjoy the "Red Light District" sequence of the movie.

What followed was the best horror film I've seen in years. Shades of An American Werewolf in London plus usage of a Sneaker Pimps remake of a song from The Wicker Man. And tons of tits and gore. Brokeback Mountain, Schmokeback Mountain, this is the best thing I've seen in months!

After the movie I took a long-needed piss, then walked out to see --

The PDA user and his equally corpulent friend. Only they were not so Hells Angel-esque. In fact they were more of the Harry Knowles-type. In their 30s to 40s. One actually had a cane. They must have been diabetic or something.

I was very polite and said...

Jeremy: Excuse me, I don't mean to be rude, but were you using your Blackberry during the movie?

Fat Guy: It's not a Blackberry. It's a text device.

Jeremy: (V.O.) Well, excuuuuse me. (out loud) Well, it was kind of distracting during the movie. I was sitting a few rows behind you and could see it. Next time you may not want to do that during a movie, it's kind of rude.

I was surprisingly restrained during this exchange. Truthfully, I was shocked that he would be the type to use a text device at a movie. He looked like your typical unhealthy, virginal horror geek who would gasp at any interruption during his beloved genre picture. Apparently not.

Fortunately, I was able to enjoy the movie.

Unfortunately for him, he's probably a virgin who will die from obesity in a few years.

Que sera sera!